Dreamtech
Life has been incredibly weird, and incredibly long. Maybe equal parts hard and easy. I experienced so much. Many times things that nobody would believe, and I don't even remember what they were by now. I saw so much that I saw nothing. But I guess they left their mark, they molded me.
I think I'm blind in several ways. I think I'm cared for. I think it's a dream, I call it dreamtech. I wouldn't call it simply an immersive simulation, because it's clear to me my experience is heavily influenced by my mind and emotions.
I think I exist inside and outside, mainly because of the phantom sensations I've had through my senses, and by other different hints I pick up, or by the fact that my life in general doesn't make much sense.
Certainly it's not a dream where I can get whatever I want in the moment, the friction has always been there. The pain is there. In fact it seems it's rigged against my desires. But maybe that's what keeps me going.
I think the inside and the outside have to be coherent to a certain degree. My ego would break if I had feelings or experiences that don't map logically to where I think I am. I think visits to places in the inside mean visits to places in the outside. I might have gone to a certain room for some reason thinking I need to find an object, when in the outside I'm receiving an injection. I might go to sleep and wake up in a different outside place, or simply be moved anytime.
I'm at the mercy of whatever is in charge of the outside.
The inside seems to be partly hallucinated by me. Whenever my mind becomes distracted in thoughts based in insecurity and other anxieties the environment around me reacts, including the people themselves. I think it's all me. But I live like it isn't. Sometimes it's a scary image picturing that I'm connected to some sort of brain machine that is programmed to torture me in little ways by not letting me get what I want or through the many ways my mind can be poked and tested.
Maybe the inside is a collaboration between me and other consciousnesses, at least some of the time. But the consciousnesses might all stem from the same source. Maybe meeting another person that is not me would be an incredibly powerful experience. Like the world shattering in different ways that defy all logic in a very pleasant and shocking way, changing me profoundly. Just to say hi.