The Queue
This is something I noticed about myself recently. Or maybe I'm starting to put it into words.
I recently had a couple of old friends come over. It went okay but later I kept thinking about my behavior. There's that expectation of how you think you should and will act when the others arrive, you might think you will act in line with your new standards, maybe cool and reserved, which you do sometimes, but then suddenly you start maniacally telling a little story, or sharing an opinion, in a way that sounds strange, maybe saying things that most people would consider obvious, but you think it's important to say it right now. Well that happens to me.
I've started to think there's a queue of opinions, perspectives, and things that need to be said, that gets filled in solitude. The moment you lose yourself in thought for some seconds and create an opinion on something, that goes in the queue, and will be used in social settings, when you might not expect it.
Maybe the version of yourself that you would like to be dominant is buried under the queue. Maybe we need a lot of social encounters, and to get rid of all the things we have to say, so we can be who we want to be.
The queue can be a curse, as I'm bound to speak my mind even if it's uncalled for, feeling remorse later. But maybe being aware of the queue now might help me control it to some degree. Maybe I can empty inconvenient parts of the queue through other outlets, like writing.